Do These People Really Deserve a Nanosecond of my Life?

As I've noted in the previous blog, I allow people in my family to live in my head rent free and drive me to distraction. Tonight at meeting, one of the guys said something that Bill W. pointed out and that is if some person, place or thing disturbs me then I am the one with the problem. I have since asked myself why I place so much importance on my mother's opinion of me. Why does it bother me so much that she 'likes' and comments on everything but the things that relate to me. For instance, of the 2 pics of my girls taken at the recent alumni activities, why did she 'like' the one with my girls and one of her friends and not the one of me and my girls? Why did she 'like' the post by one of my friends that says "Some people come into your life as blessings. Others as lessons."  Yes, I took it personal without knowing that she intended it (the 'like') for me. When I sent the email letting her know I wouldn't be able to make it over this weekend, I knew she wouldn't call me today since Sunday is the day for the obligatory phone call. Why does it bother me so much that my oldest daughter, who says forgiveness is highly over-rated, writes about alcoholic females for her comp II class but insists that she didn't mention me and I know that she is lying? Much the same as she was lying when she told me she wasn't having an affair for 2 years with her fiance while she was still married to her husband. Why do I let these sick people upset me so stinking much?  Why is there so much fear and insecurity present in my life where they are concerned? Two people who bad mouth me at every turn and twist the things I say to make me look like the one who is bad and they haven't done anything wrong whatever. They feed off of each other like vultures and I am the carcass. I have allowed these people to get under my skin like chiggers. I haven't even been able to pray for them because I haven't been able to get past wanting to tape their mouths shut and slap them silly. Amber did call a couple of months ago to ask me if I would go to counseling with her. I said yes I would only if she wouldn't rake me over the coals like she did almost 2 years ago. I knew then that she had an agenda and she proved me right when she didn't call me back with an appointment time. It's really sad that I know these 2 people so well and they don't know me at all.  They are predictable and transparent.

Dry Drunk

The last 2 weeks have been difficult to say the least. I haven't been this depressed in many,many years. I haven't used any of the tools I've been given to rise above it either. Why not? I don't know. My mind won't shut off, it just goes 90 mph even in my sleep. I wake up thinking about the same crap I go to sleep thinking about. My mother and oldest daughter are the main stumbling blocks in my quest for some semblance of serenity in my life. Neither one is capable of forgiveness or compassion. Amber says that forgivenss is highly overrated and mom just can't. Are these actually my problem? Not really. The Serenity Prayer says, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. The fact is that I cannot change other people or their crappy attitudes. Sometimes, I think it would make them happy to see me back in my tongue chewing, babbling drunken state of existance. It's now been 18+ years since I took a drink and they still treat me as though I am the same person I was back then. God knows how hard I try to follow His will for me and I know that getting drunk and starting the whole thing over is NOT His will for me or any other recovering person regardless of their addiction.

So, my plan of attack is a meeting or two today and church tomorrow and another meeting tomorrow night. And I blocked mom and Amber from my fb which I hope will help. At least I won't be able to see any posts they make or be upset about the posts they don't make. I had lunch with one of my favorite lady preachers which really helped me more than she will ever know. God does take care of me and gives me the people I need to fortify me for any existing external circumstance. I have managed to forget to count my many blessings which has catipulted me into a 2 week dry drunk.  I've been wallowing in self pity and the 'oh poor me' toilet. Not pretty from any angle.

College at 51

I haven't blogged in soooo long. In July of last year (2010) I left my job of 20 years to pursue a college education at Oklahoma State University. I got my associates degree from NOC in May of 2010. I was so scared that first day it wasn't funny. I had to call a couple of my preacher friends to pray with me before I imploded. And the first week was kinda rough. I lost the keys to my car on day three and still haven't found them. Why I was so scared, I will never know. I suppose it was from moving so far out of my comfort zone and going to such a big school full of so many young people. It wasn't like I didn't know anyone. I know a lot of people in Ag Hall on the teacher level and through the extension service. But I was still scared. After the first week, I got to know some of my fellow students and found I actullay fit right in. We do have common ground in that we are seeking an education and to improve our lives. I found that I really enjoy the classroom atmosphere. And I have a god report with most of the kids. They think I'm a kinda wacky old hippy chick. And we have a good time with that. I still see some of the kids from the first semester for lunch and around campus. They will always have a special place in my heart because of their acceptance of me. Klent, Clint, Nikki, Kira,Dani and Jill are amazing people. I love them so much!!!!

Now I'm in the third semester of this amazing journey. Chemistry sucks but I'm trying to learn it. The plant classes are my favs. Plant and soil science was very interesting. My instructor, Miss Sarah, I consider a friend and am very fond of her. She has an infectious laugh. The ansi class was good too. I love animals but am glad that it's the only ansi class I need. I changed direction the second semester and decided to go with public hort which is more my cup of tea. That led me to plant propagation and greenhouse management. I love those classes. They are very humbling actually. I thought I knew so much about gardening and greenhouse gardening and have found I know lots about the big picture and very little about the components that make it work.

Spring Has Sprung

Our last freeze date here is supposed to be April 17 and the last several years it's been around the 21st of April. I've got celosia, geraniums, zinnias and tomato plants ready to plant. The daffydills are almost done blooming. I planted hyacinths and daffydills in the long bed between Science and Admin. The fragrance was wonderful. You could smell the hyacinths before you could see them. I love it. I thought the Lorapetalum chinensis bit the big one because it got so cold for so long this winter but they have new growth popping out. The lilac should be blooming in the next week or so.I am so glad spring is finally here.

The greenhouse

It's almost spring and I can't wait for it to get here. I've been transplanting tomato and flower plants the last 2 days and will be back at it tomorrow. I love heirloom tomatoes. I know they don't produce or perform as well as the hybrids but the flavor is amazing. I've misplaced a bunch of seeds and can't find them anywhere. I'm really kind of annoyed because Cherokee Purple is with that bunch. I've got to go find Celebrity or order it. This is mhy favorite time of the year. The daffodils and hyacinths are blooming and they are beautiful, in spite of the snow last weekend. The redbuds will be blooming before long. The forsythia is trying to bust out. I love it.

The fine art of giving

Giving was something totally new to me. I''d been a taker and user of people for years and years.The fact that I never wanted to give anyting back didn't matter. Or maybe it did but it hurt to really look at what I'd become. I certainly had guilt wich meant I had something of a conscience. When I first started going to meetings, it was suggested to me that I re-fill the sugar and creamer packets and make some coffee before the meeting started. I enjoyed it and it felt good to give something back. I was pretty sick and it took a long time to really enjoy giving. Everyone can do it, just find something you're passionate about and share it with others. We can't keep it unless we give it away. What a concept!!! Anyway, I guess it took about 5 or 6 years for the fog to clear and I actually looked around our small community. It looked like no one loved it. So when the city built three corner planters downtown, I volunteered to plant flowers in them and water them thru the summer months. it was good. Then the city bought some large containers and I again volunteered. By this time I had a group of junior master gardeners who helped plant the planters for several years. We also added hanging baskets to some of the poles and it really looked pretty. I've never know moderation in my life. After 10 years of doing the watering (9 of those years for free) I resigned. I also went through withdrawls and had to laugh because the pride committee has three people doing what I did alone for all those years.
In 2005, I kicked the city out of one of our oldest parks, Ray See Park.( named after a WW I vet and wpa promoter in the 30's) They were destroying it with neglect and I felt I could make an improvement. Wow!! What a blessing that turned out to be. The JMG kids and I adopted the park in March of 2005, the pool broke down in June of 2005. Then the fight was on to keep our beautiful WPA pool. We set about raising money to purchase new playground equipment and to replace the overgrown arborvitae we removed. It was great!!! This passion I found for the project was overwhelming sometimes. I wanted to get eveything done right now. We did wind up raising about $18K for the park and bought some really cool playground equipment, like the Dragon Challenge, Infinity Climb and Tykes of Steel. We planted about 12 trees and it looks good. We've also purchased some Christmas displays and have had good public response especially from the folks who live south of town. The fight to save the pool taught me a lot about myself. I can git 'er done with God's help and lots of hands here on Earth. There were people I thought were my friends who really weren't and don't talk to me to this day. The real friends who didn't agree with me are still my friends because we respect each others right to an opinion without getting angry (trying to control). Passion is contageous. The south end of town looks so much better and some of the other businesses have cleaned up a little. The ditch got cleaned out and you can actually see the bath house and pool from the highway. I still mow the park with the mower I bought just for that purpose and picked up some extra work to pay for the gas used to mow and weedeat the park. I also collect aluminum cans to help with the cost. The blades for my mower are $100 and I go thru about 4 sets every summer. (I love my Bad Boy mower. I suggested to Charlie that we slow down, sell his tractor and my mower and his response was that if we do anything with the mower, it will be to upgrade. LOL) The giving has brought about opportunities to be humbled. The chamber of commerce citizen of the year award was very unexpected and humbling because it is an award from my peers in the community.  My grandmother got to be there and it was great for her to see her oldest granddaughter do good instead of behaving like a jerk. She died a couple of years later and I miss her so very much. I applied to Keep Oklahoma Beautiful for an award in environmental excellance through teaching people about gardening and won. As a result of that, I was given the pride of Tonkawa award. Another one from my peers. The fight for the pool garnered me an award from Preservation Oklahoma Inc. What an honor!!!! All I did was pray, work hard for what I believed in, and stand for something I felt would be positive for the community. What a sweet deal.....all because I don't drink, one day at a time. God is good all the time. Each time I've put out an effort with no thought of compensation, the rewards have been phenomenal. This is what life is about. Not what we can get from life but what it gives us when we live the way God wants us too.
We have a meeting place here in town. It's great to have one so close again. We meet every morning at 630 am so I get there about 545 to make sure things are good to go. Sometimes people show up sometimnes they don't. I've read a lot of the history of AA because people didn't show up so I benefitted anyway. It's service. I am responsible when anyone anywhere needs help.....I want the hand of AA to be there. Who would have thought such a selfish, self centered ball of anger and hate could think of others first. A miracle each and every day.

Scars

I found a wonderful Christ centered book a couple of weeks ago and finally had time to sit down and read it even though I have a couple of orders for earrings. It is entitled 'Your Scars are Beautiful to God'.  It starts off going through the physical scars  each of us have, like the scars from a rotator cuff repair, a hysterectomy, and repair of two bulging discs.  The most obvious one is the rotator cuff repair. Before I had the hystectomy, I tanned so my Dr. would know where my bikini line is. He did a good job.....no suture scars thanks to super glue and butterfly tape. The neck scar is not really noticable, it looks like another wrinkle.  I have other scars in various places from scrapes and such. I was something of a tomboy so it is to be expected. The one on my shin bone is the one I remember the most, it hurt like a big dog. I was stepping up into one of my flowerbeds and skinned my shin, hitting the edge of the brick wall. It took out a chunk of flesh through my jeans and a sock. But none of these compares to the scars inside of us which no human can see. So far the book has hit home on a couple of different points. Until I saw the title of this book, I didn't think of the scars as being helpful to anyone else. I have tried to learn from them and think some of it has soaked in. Some of the scars are still raw and some are completely healed. The meetings I go to have probably helped as much as anything. I haven't had to drink over anything in a very long time.

I have had to look at my family history to see that the scars were hold-overs from previous generations. My grandpa was a raging alcoholic and my grandma stayed in bed with extreme depression issues. Mom has related the story of how she had to do the dishes in third grade and how she had to get herself and her sisters ready for school because grandma was too lazy to get out of bed. Depresssion is ugly and I believe my grandma truly suffered with it. Grandpa hated everyone and was an athiest. He had a very unahppy life from the beginning although I don't know much aobut it. He started smoking at the age of 8 and talked about fighting a lot. When a pack of dogs killed the milk cow he shot every one of them. He made the lives of his family unhappy and truly a living hell for all of them especially my youngest aunt and my grandma. I think that's why she took up gardening. The beauty of the gardens were a stark contrast to the ugliness of her life. The one thing they had in common was the love of antiques. They had so much cool stuff, it was an explorers heaven when you're 6. She made jewelry and knew how to knit and crochet. I still have the blanket she made for me so many years ago. I loved her so much and didn't know anything about the life they had until I was in my late teens and early 20's. She died in 1993 of systemic cancer. She looked about 90 and was only 73. She never understood that she had choices about her life. She died of sprititual cancer as much as physical cancer. My own mother is the same way though not to that degree. I was that way until I started working those steps and realized that I have choices every day of my life. I still struggle with depression from time to time but, thanks to meds and meetings, it's not as bad as it was a few years ago. There was a time I missed work due to depression, even sober.  I don't want to continue to perpetuate the disease through my kids. Some of the issues I have experienced will never happen to Brit and Cale because I chose to change my behavior from a monster to a mother. I am so not perfect even still I am a good mom to Brit and Cale.