Scars

I found a wonderful Christ centered book a couple of weeks ago and finally had time to sit down and read it even though I have a couple of orders for earrings. It is entitled 'Your Scars are Beautiful to God'.  It starts off going through the physical scars  each of us have, like the scars from a rotator cuff repair, a hysterectomy, and repair of two bulging discs.  The most obvious one is the rotator cuff repair. Before I had the hystectomy, I tanned so my Dr. would know where my bikini line is. He did a good job.....no suture scars thanks to super glue and butterfly tape. The neck scar is not really noticable, it looks like another wrinkle.  I have other scars in various places from scrapes and such. I was something of a tomboy so it is to be expected. The one on my shin bone is the one I remember the most, it hurt like a big dog. I was stepping up into one of my flowerbeds and skinned my shin, hitting the edge of the brick wall. It took out a chunk of flesh through my jeans and a sock. But none of these compares to the scars inside of us which no human can see. So far the book has hit home on a couple of different points. Until I saw the title of this book, I didn't think of the scars as being helpful to anyone else. I have tried to learn from them and think some of it has soaked in. Some of the scars are still raw and some are completely healed. The meetings I go to have probably helped as much as anything. I haven't had to drink over anything in a very long time.

I have had to look at my family history to see that the scars were hold-overs from previous generations. My grandpa was a raging alcoholic and my grandma stayed in bed with extreme depression issues. Mom has related the story of how she had to do the dishes in third grade and how she had to get herself and her sisters ready for school because grandma was too lazy to get out of bed. Depresssion is ugly and I believe my grandma truly suffered with it. Grandpa hated everyone and was an athiest. He had a very unahppy life from the beginning although I don't know much aobut it. He started smoking at the age of 8 and talked about fighting a lot. When a pack of dogs killed the milk cow he shot every one of them. He made the lives of his family unhappy and truly a living hell for all of them especially my youngest aunt and my grandma. I think that's why she took up gardening. The beauty of the gardens were a stark contrast to the ugliness of her life. The one thing they had in common was the love of antiques. They had so much cool stuff, it was an explorers heaven when you're 6. She made jewelry and knew how to knit and crochet. I still have the blanket she made for me so many years ago. I loved her so much and didn't know anything about the life they had until I was in my late teens and early 20's. She died in 1993 of systemic cancer. She looked about 90 and was only 73. She never understood that she had choices about her life. She died of sprititual cancer as much as physical cancer. My own mother is the same way though not to that degree. I was that way until I started working those steps and realized that I have choices every day of my life. I still struggle with depression from time to time but, thanks to meds and meetings, it's not as bad as it was a few years ago. There was a time I missed work due to depression, even sober.  I don't want to continue to perpetuate the disease through my kids. Some of the issues I have experienced will never happen to Brit and Cale because I chose to change my behavior from a monster to a mother. I am so not perfect even still I am a good mom to Brit and Cale.

Today's Each day a New Beginning

Within our dreams and aspirations we find our opportunities. Sue Atchley Ebaugh

We all have dreams and aspirations. I call them hope. When I was out there drinking and such, I had no real dreams. I was afraid to try anything for fear of failure. Somewhere in my youth I learned that if you made a mistake, you were a mistake and don't do anything halfassed. If you can't do something right, don't do it at all. Where would we be if everyone believed like that? Edison would never have done anything to make our world better. The Wright brothers certainly never would have gotten their plane off the ground. Abe Lincoln would never have been our president. I finally finished school here at NOC. It only took 30 years for me to get where I am academically. OSU has admitted me as a student. If I still believed as I did when I was young I never would have gone back to college and certainly never even applied to OSU. My dreams may be realized yet. I love gardening......everything about it.  My body, however, is falling apart a joint at a time. The abuse I heaped on myself is finally catching up with me. So, with that in mind, I decided to pursue ag communications. Less math and science and not so hard on the body. And, the best part, I can share my love of gardening through the written word (I love to write).  I am blessed to have a husband who is very supportive of my academic endeavors and not threatened by them like the last one was. One of my dreams has been realized and the others are waiting for me to catch them.

R. I. P. my friend

My very dear friend Don Corey passed away this afternoon. When he worked for the city, he was my biggest supporter and was always ready to help with whatever project I had going on. He was a huge help with the Ray See Park project even when he thought I was nuts. He was a Viet Nam veteran on the Navy side. He asked me about the POW/MIA flag for the park a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure glad we got it up before he died.  He tried to talk to me about his war experience once but still couldn't without getting very emotional. Freedom is never free and he served our country with pride. He was also a friend of Bill for over 20 years. I love him and will miss him sorely. Rest in peace, my friend. I'll see you on the other side baby.

The gift of sobriety

I'm sitting on the sidelines watching one of my friends try to deal with Bob. Bob was sober for 14 months then last July he got drunk and has stayed that way since. He's been hauled to two detox centers and one treatment center. The Ponca and Blackwell hospitals refuse to treat his drunk ass because he is so beligerant. But for the grace of God there go I. Why have I been able to stay away from the booze and so many others die from this disease? I do not know and probably never will. I was so ready for my life to be different. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to die but then that would have left Brit and Cale to be raised by their dad and I didn't want that for sure. Why can't Bob see what alcohol is doing to his life? I don't know that either. He's 68 years old, Apache and has hep C. He's been drinking and doing drugs most of his adult life. I imagine at one time he was a good mechanic and a good truck driver. What a waste. My sponsor shared with me that some of us have to die so others can stay sober. Survival of the fittest or the most willing? It's been so long since I've had a drink that I can't imagine taking a drink and going back to that hell I called my life. My worst day sober is way better than my best day drunk. One of my other sponsors siad if we want to take a drink then we might as well drive our vehicle into the Salt Fork, toss in all the clothes and things that we treasure because they will be gone anyway. What a price to pay for the first drink, the one that starts the obsession I can't stop. What a gift I have been given!!! The gift of  sobriety (life) through my friends of Bill is a debt I can never repay. I no longer have to deal with the feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and the negative feelings I allowed myself to wallow in for so many years. Life is good one day at a time.