Do These People Really Deserve a Nanosecond of my Life?

As I've noted in the previous blog, I allow people in my family to live in my head rent free and drive me to distraction. Tonight at meeting, one of the guys said something that Bill W. pointed out and that is if some person, place or thing disturbs me then I am the one with the problem. I have since asked myself why I place so much importance on my mother's opinion of me. Why does it bother me so much that she 'likes' and comments on everything but the things that relate to me. For instance, of the 2 pics of my girls taken at the recent alumni activities, why did she 'like' the one with my girls and one of her friends and not the one of me and my girls? Why did she 'like' the post by one of my friends that says "Some people come into your life as blessings. Others as lessons."  Yes, I took it personal without knowing that she intended it (the 'like') for me. When I sent the email letting her know I wouldn't be able to make it over this weekend, I knew she wouldn't call me today since Sunday is the day for the obligatory phone call. Why does it bother me so much that my oldest daughter, who says forgiveness is highly over-rated, writes about alcoholic females for her comp II class but insists that she didn't mention me and I know that she is lying? Much the same as she was lying when she told me she wasn't having an affair for 2 years with her fiance while she was still married to her husband. Why do I let these sick people upset me so stinking much?  Why is there so much fear and insecurity present in my life where they are concerned? Two people who bad mouth me at every turn and twist the things I say to make me look like the one who is bad and they haven't done anything wrong whatever. They feed off of each other like vultures and I am the carcass. I have allowed these people to get under my skin like chiggers. I haven't even been able to pray for them because I haven't been able to get past wanting to tape their mouths shut and slap them silly. Amber did call a couple of months ago to ask me if I would go to counseling with her. I said yes I would only if she wouldn't rake me over the coals like she did almost 2 years ago. I knew then that she had an agenda and she proved me right when she didn't call me back with an appointment time. It's really sad that I know these 2 people so well and they don't know me at all.  They are predictable and transparent.

Dry Drunk

The last 2 weeks have been difficult to say the least. I haven't been this depressed in many,many years. I haven't used any of the tools I've been given to rise above it either. Why not? I don't know. My mind won't shut off, it just goes 90 mph even in my sleep. I wake up thinking about the same crap I go to sleep thinking about. My mother and oldest daughter are the main stumbling blocks in my quest for some semblance of serenity in my life. Neither one is capable of forgiveness or compassion. Amber says that forgivenss is highly overrated and mom just can't. Are these actually my problem? Not really. The Serenity Prayer says, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. The fact is that I cannot change other people or their crappy attitudes. Sometimes, I think it would make them happy to see me back in my tongue chewing, babbling drunken state of existance. It's now been 18+ years since I took a drink and they still treat me as though I am the same person I was back then. God knows how hard I try to follow His will for me and I know that getting drunk and starting the whole thing over is NOT His will for me or any other recovering person regardless of their addiction.

So, my plan of attack is a meeting or two today and church tomorrow and another meeting tomorrow night. And I blocked mom and Amber from my fb which I hope will help. At least I won't be able to see any posts they make or be upset about the posts they don't make. I had lunch with one of my favorite lady preachers which really helped me more than she will ever know. God does take care of me and gives me the people I need to fortify me for any existing external circumstance. I have managed to forget to count my many blessings which has catipulted me into a 2 week dry drunk.  I've been wallowing in self pity and the 'oh poor me' toilet. Not pretty from any angle.

College at 51

I haven't blogged in soooo long. In July of last year (2010) I left my job of 20 years to pursue a college education at Oklahoma State University. I got my associates degree from NOC in May of 2010. I was so scared that first day it wasn't funny. I had to call a couple of my preacher friends to pray with me before I imploded. And the first week was kinda rough. I lost the keys to my car on day three and still haven't found them. Why I was so scared, I will never know. I suppose it was from moving so far out of my comfort zone and going to such a big school full of so many young people. It wasn't like I didn't know anyone. I know a lot of people in Ag Hall on the teacher level and through the extension service. But I was still scared. After the first week, I got to know some of my fellow students and found I actullay fit right in. We do have common ground in that we are seeking an education and to improve our lives. I found that I really enjoy the classroom atmosphere. And I have a god report with most of the kids. They think I'm a kinda wacky old hippy chick. And we have a good time with that. I still see some of the kids from the first semester for lunch and around campus. They will always have a special place in my heart because of their acceptance of me. Klent, Clint, Nikki, Kira,Dani and Jill are amazing people. I love them so much!!!!

Now I'm in the third semester of this amazing journey. Chemistry sucks but I'm trying to learn it. The plant classes are my favs. Plant and soil science was very interesting. My instructor, Miss Sarah, I consider a friend and am very fond of her. She has an infectious laugh. The ansi class was good too. I love animals but am glad that it's the only ansi class I need. I changed direction the second semester and decided to go with public hort which is more my cup of tea. That led me to plant propagation and greenhouse management. I love those classes. They are very humbling actually. I thought I knew so much about gardening and greenhouse gardening and have found I know lots about the big picture and very little about the components that make it work.