Dry Drunk

The last 2 weeks have been difficult to say the least. I haven't been this depressed in many,many years. I haven't used any of the tools I've been given to rise above it either. Why not? I don't know. My mind won't shut off, it just goes 90 mph even in my sleep. I wake up thinking about the same crap I go to sleep thinking about. My mother and oldest daughter are the main stumbling blocks in my quest for some semblance of serenity in my life. Neither one is capable of forgiveness or compassion. Amber says that forgivenss is highly overrated and mom just can't. Are these actually my problem? Not really. The Serenity Prayer says, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. The fact is that I cannot change other people or their crappy attitudes. Sometimes, I think it would make them happy to see me back in my tongue chewing, babbling drunken state of existance. It's now been 18+ years since I took a drink and they still treat me as though I am the same person I was back then. God knows how hard I try to follow His will for me and I know that getting drunk and starting the whole thing over is NOT His will for me or any other recovering person regardless of their addiction.

So, my plan of attack is a meeting or two today and church tomorrow and another meeting tomorrow night. And I blocked mom and Amber from my fb which I hope will help. At least I won't be able to see any posts they make or be upset about the posts they don't make. I had lunch with one of my favorite lady preachers which really helped me more than she will ever know. God does take care of me and gives me the people I need to fortify me for any existing external circumstance. I have managed to forget to count my many blessings which has catipulted me into a 2 week dry drunk.  I've been wallowing in self pity and the 'oh poor me' toilet. Not pretty from any angle.