Continued How it all Began

In August of 1992 I had an emotional breakdown. I was still drinking and I really didn't want to.  Alcoholism is a horrible disease. It leaves a person bankrupt in every way, physically (I weighed about 100 lbs because I didn't eat), mentally and emotionally I was exhausted, I was financially in dire straits, and the most important and debilitating bankruptcy was the spiritual bankruptcy. I will never forget how I felt the day I checked myself into the psychiatric unit in the Ponca hospital. My timing was awful as school had just started that day. It was a Monday and I had been crying non-stop since Sunday morning, even in my sleep. I had been kneeling in one of my gardens and really wanting to just check out of life. I had one daughter who was living with her father and two little ones with me. I think Cale was about 18 months old and Brittany was 5. I wish I could say that I put the plug in the jug then but it took almost another year of steading drinking before I threw the pick/axe away. I'm one of those hard-headed people who threw away the shovel when I hit rock bottom and picked up the pick/axe so I could get a little further down. June 9, 1993 I took my last drink. I was sitting on the edge of my bed, very drunk and crying again. This time I asked God for help and the compuslion to drink was gone and hasn't returned since. I was still a mess in every other sense of the word, I just wasn't drinking.

I had so many things to overcome. I had no clue how to be a mother to my kids. I was a screaming, abusive person. The last time one of my kids looked at me with raw fear was when Cale spilled something, milk or water, whatever it was. He looked at me with those huge eyes, he was so little. He was terrified of me and how I would react. I promised myself that it would never happen again and it hasn't. Over the years I learned how to be a good mom. Today, Cale is 19 and Brit is 22. They don't remember ever seeing their mother drunk. They feel comfortable coming to me with problems because they know I won't judge them. We have a good relationship because they know they can count on me to be there for them.

How did the gardens help? I spend a lot of time on my knees planting annuals. I work alone and don't have another person there to talk to every day. My favorite flower is the rose....Mr. Lincoln to be exact. The color is a deep red and the fragrance is powerful. I can spot a Mr. Lincoln blindfolded. I have used my job to find God. I know every plant and flower on that campus intimately and by name, scientific and common names. I can tell you about when I planted a certain flower and how it performed for me. I know where the ladybugs hide in the winter months. The robins follow me around in the spring to grab the worms and other insects as I dig up the ground for new plants. I know why ants take aphids down into their dens in the fall. I understand the balance that is needed for the ecosystems of the campus to work properly. I am positively awestruck by all of it, even after 20 years. Spring is magical to me. I can't wait for spring and the wonder of the daffodils and the redbuds in bloom. The white lilac on the north side of the Vinyard Library is one of my favorites. You can smell it before you see it when you are coming around the corner of the building. The oakleaf hydrangea has started leafing out hiding the beautiful exfoliating orange bark. Some of the viburnums bloom early while others are just leafing out. The 'Home Run" roses at the front edge of the campus start busting out of their winter rest. The new foliage has a reddish tone to it. The dogwood tree we planted in memory of our Jared Weiberg has bloomed in spectacular fashion every year since it was planted. Vina sent me a note this last spring that made me cry. Jared was such a sweet young man who died entirely too young. I miss him still.

All of these things have played an important role in my sobriety. It was 10 years before I felt comfortable sitting in a church. I argued with myself about going. It was an every Sunday ordeal. I just knew God was going to pluck me from the pew and smite me in the parking lot. I also felt like the 'dirtiest' person in the church. I felt like I didn't deserve to sit with all of those 'perfect' Christians. I know today that we all need God and none of us are anywhere close to perfect. We are all fatally human. I enjoy my church and my pastor. I love those wonderful old hymns I remembered from my youth ( I was amazed that I still remembered most of the words) and I like the new stuff too. The new stuff just isn't as comforting as the hymns. I can't even finish 'Amazing Grace' without crying because it is my life story the song is telling.

Claude Monet once said, "Were it not for the gardens, I should not have become a painter." I can say that, were it not for the gardens, I should not have become the person I am today. The gardens led me on a path straight to God and helped me to find His love and strength. The strength I needed to make the amends to the people I hurt and the strength to not take a drink one day at a time. Some people may never forgive me and that's ok. I can't control how people, other than myself, behave or how they feel.  I am good with myself and God. Some amends can't be made any other way except to continue to live a sober life and try not to cause any more pain than I already have. I do not regret the past nor do I wish to close the door on it. It has been the best learning tool I've had.

I have a good life today. My husband loves me and spoils me rotten. Brittany has a position at the college and Cale has a full time job he enjoys. I've had a job I love for almsot 20 years and just graduated with my associates degree at the age of 50. I am OSU bound and headed to agricultural communications so I can share my love of plants with others. One more thing I can't keep unless I give it away.