growing up me

In 1993, I made the decision to stop drinking. I remember wondering, 'what in the world am I going to do without my numbzit'. I had all these feelings I had no clue how to deal with. I thought I was born angry and that it was normal for me. So, to get to the root of the problem, me, I had to take a hard look at my life. It was ugly. I had problems with my parents, my mother specifically. We had never been able to get along. (Today I am cautiously optomistic about the relationship we have. We've been through a rougher than normal patch this last 6 months.) I felt like she hated me for being born. I had colic when I was a baby. I can't count the number of times I heard about how they walked the floor with me and the car rides hoping I would stop screaming. When mom  talks about it, even today, her nostrils flare and she gets that look on her face. Throughout the rest of my life, she and I butted heads regularly. I still don't understand why she was so harteful. My poor dad had to feel like an embattled referee. To me, it was absolute hell.Of course, I did my share of, I'll call it major rebellion. I remember being rebellious way before I ever took a drink or a drug.  When I was in the 6th grade I was told not to wear a certain gold skirt because it was so short. I did it anyway and got in trouble. I snuck around with boys at about the age of 15. Everything had to be on the sly because I was probably disobeying a direct order. My grades all through school were poor at best.   I recall being tested and tested and tested to see why I had bad grades. The tests showed that I was really very smart. I am sure I was ADHD back then and probably still am. I did manage to make the honor roll one time my freshman year. I got pregnant at 17 and had Amber before I graduated from high school.

I was the apple of my dad's eye. I tell people that I was the only son he ever had. He had a little 350 Honda and would take me riding with him and his friends. It was fun. He worked in the oil patch and would take all of us with him sometimes. I rolled, head over heels, down Glass Mountain out by Cherokee. The smell of the oilfield still makes me think of those days. (That's probably one of the things I love about my wonderful husband who works in the oilfield.) Dad took me and my sister with him when he would pump wells. I love the sound of those diesel engines. The chugging sound they make is like a lullaby. Call me crazy. I love football because of him. He started taking me to OU football games when I was about 11. I recently found of picture of me with Jack Mildren. I kept a scrapbook back then of OU and our Tonkawa Buccaneer football. Dad recently met Joe Washington and was thrilled. We were at the game where little Joe, as they called him then, was engulfed by the OSU defense and came out somehow and scored a TD. When OU won the Orange Bowl back in 99 or 00, dad called me. He is still a major fan.

School was awful. I was so emotionally unstabel that I was a perfect target for some of the popular girls in my class. I was pretty much singled out to make fun of. Jr. high and high school were just as bad. One girl shoved me in the hallway between classes, causing my head to jerk forward, jamming my chin into a pencil sticking up out of my notebook. I still have the lead in my chin to this day. I told my kids if I ever heard them making fun of someone, I would tan their hide. One of those mean girls did apologize to me in front of a church congregation on Sr. day in 2005. My daughter, Brittany, was sitting next to me, crying with me. My classmates still don't have much contact with me and who could blame them....I was one sick teenager.  One of my teachers took a disliking to me also. She stood me up in front of the class and yelled at me for an incident in the cafeteria the day before. It seemed like I stood up there for an hour though I am sure it was about 15 minutes. She paced back and forth in front of me, pointing her finger in my face and yelling at me in front of the entire class. I went home sick at lunch, crying uncontrolably, and didn't return for a couple of days.I didn't trust my parents with my feelings I guess so, I didn't tell my parents about it til I was questioned by my mother a few days later. It seems that one of my classmates was at the bowling alley and told her about it. I didn't want to go back to school at all. I see now that the shame from that incident stayed with me for a long time. Ironically, she worked here at the college and I got to where I liked  her very much. 

Thank goodness that I don't have to take things so personally today. My oldest blew up at me, for no apparent reason, a few weeks ago. She made herself my judge, jury and executioner. I didn't leave mad, I just left. I was really kind of confused because it seemingly came out of nowhere. But then, most things like that don't just come out of the blue. She feels about me pretty much like I felt about my own mother. Fortunately, I was able to break the chain with my two younger kids.  I have terminated my relationship with the oldest daughter. I have apologized more times than I can count to no avail. She will have to deal with her demons in her own way. In the mean time, I don't have to have verbal abuse heaped on my head for things that happened over 16 years ago. I didn't have to get drunk over it either. Look for the little miracles that happen every day and every day that I don't take a drink is a little miracle. The Grace and Mercy of a loving God is all I need. He loves me no matter what as long as I am seeking His will for me. Thank God for the meetings I go to at least 5 times a week. The spiritual part of my life is what keeps my head above water when I'm sure I'm about to drown. Thank God for my friends who help me so much just by being there and reminding me that I  am loved.